Some guy on YouTube — probably wearing a suit that cost more than my rent — told his divorce clients that wealthy men just want open marriages to cheat. And everyone bought it. Because, of course, if you have money and a decent face, you’re basically playing God with women’s hearts, right? Wrong. But let’s talk about what actually happens when you try to turn a marriage into a dating app. Because spoiler alert: it usually ends in tears, or at least a very expensive therapist.
The Brutal Truth
Wealthy Men Don’t Need Open Marriages — They Need Better Therapists
The idea that rich dudes just want to “pull” because they can is like saying billionaires need a hobby. If you’re already winning at life, why bring your wife into your midlife crisis? Most men who push for open marriages aren’t looking for variety — they’re looking for validation. And when their wives start getting more attention than they do, well, let’s just say their ego can’t handle the competition. It’s not about freedom; it’s about control, just with a fancier label.“Open” Is Just a Fancy Word for “I Already Have Someone in Mind”
Nine times out of ten, the guy who suggests an open marriage has already scoped out his side piece. It’s not a sudden revelation — it’s a premeditated exit strategy disguised as sexual liberation. The wife? She’s either too scared to say no or too hopeful that this is the “last hurrah” before divorce. And guess what? When the wife finally gets her turn, she suddenly remembers she’s not a doormat. The tables turn, and suddenly “open” doesn’t sound so appealing anymore.Women in Open Marriages Get More Action Than Their Husbands — Deal With It
Let’s be real: an average-looking woman in an open marriage will have more options than an average-looking man. Unless you’re Henry Cavill, your wife is probably going to get more DMs than you. Men who think they’re Casanova quickly learn that penis is a dime a dozen — and that their wives are the real catch. The husbands who can’t handle this reality? They usually want to close the marriage again. Too bad for them, the wife’s already moved on emotionally. Game over.
- The Unicorn Hunter’s Guide to Self-Destruction
Speaking of open marriages, let’s talk about “unicorns” — those mythical third parties who join a couple. More often than not, these setups end in disaster. The couple wants a girlfriend for both of them, but they forget to communicate. Surprise! The woman ends up sleeping with the man while the wife watches, and suddenly the “throuple” is just a messy breakup waiting to happen. It’s like trying to juggle chainsaws — fun in theory, but someone’s getting hurt.
Gay Men Have Known This All Along
In queer communities, open relationships are practically the default. But here’s the twist: they work when they’re built that way from the start. When monogamous couples decide to “experiment,” it’s usually a disaster. Because let’s face it: if you’re already married, adding another person is like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. Unless you’re both deeply in love and happy, you’re just delaying the inevitable.Some Men Just Like Knowing Their Wives Are Desired
And then there’s the subset of men who want open marriages because… they get off on it. It’s a kink. They like knowing other men want their wives. It’s like a twisted version of “sharing” that has nothing to do with love and everything to do with ego. The wife? She’s usually too confused to ask why her husband gets a thrill from her being desired by others. Because who wants to date a voyeur?
Food for Thought
Open marriages aren’t about freedom — they’re about the illusion of freedom. They’re the relationship equivalent of a diet soda: tastes like the real thing, but leaves you craving something more. If you’re considering one, ask yourself: are you doing this because you genuinely want both worlds, or because you’re too afraid to choose one? Because in the end, you might just find that the only thing “open” about your marriage is the door to divorce court.