Some days I watch chess and think: this is just a board game, right? Then I see the official governing body and their rules about what you can wear while moving pieces around, and I realize I’ve underestimated the sheer bureaucratic madness that can attach itself to literally anything. Chess isn’t just a game—it’s a lifestyle, a uniform, and apparently, a battleground for egos that make international diplomacy look like child’s play.
You ever notice how the people who run chess seem to hate the people who actually play it? It’s not subtle. Magnus Carlsen and Hikaru Nakamura, the two guys who accidentally made chess cool again, have both publicly called out FIDE for being… well, FIDE. And honestly? They’re not wrong. FIDE has been butting heads with its best players for decades. Remember when Kasparov basically said, “Screw this” and created his own championship in the 90s? Or Fischer, who literally quit being world champion because FIDE couldn’t agree on terms? (Okay, Fischer was a nutcase, but still—points for knowing when to walk away.)
Let’s Be Honest
Magnus Carlsen knows they need him more than he needs them.
The guy can be seen playing blitz chess in a bar, drinking beer with college kids—like, he’s a world champion, but he’s also just a dude who likes chess. Meanwhile, FIDE is sweating over whether his jeans are “tournament appropriate.” Newsflash: if the guy who’s making your sport relevant wants to wear jeans, maybe the problem isn’t the jeans. It’s the fact that your sport is so niche it needs a dress code to feel important.FIDE’s rules are wilder than the Sicilian Defense.
Remember when a grandmaster got penalized for wearing a hoodie? Or how about the time they docked points because someone’s pants weren’t “formal enough”? It’s like they’re trying to one-up golf’s dress code, which is already legendary for its ability to make grown men argue about untucked shirts. The real question: what advantage does a pair of jeans give you that a suit doesn’t? None. It’s just… clothes. On a person. Playing a game.
- Chess streamers saved us during COVID—and FIDE still hasn’t thanked them.
Let’s be real: the only reason most of us know who Magnus is, or care about Nakamura’s commentary, is because of streamers. During lockdown, we all nodded sagely as a streamer painstakingly explained a blunder, only to realize five minutes later we still had no idea what was happening. But hey—at least we were entertained. FIDE, meanwhile, was probably busy debating whether players could wear sneakers.
Bobby Fischer would still be a GM, and FIDE would still hate him.
Yeah, yeah, he was a Nazi and a nutjob. But let’s not pretend he wasn’t a genius. He’d still be a GM today—maybe not world champion material, but definitely top-tier. And FIDE? They’d probably ban him for wearing the wrong socks. The man literally invented a variant of chess because he thought standard chess was boring. That’s like saying Picasso got tired of rectangles and invented a new kind of painting. FIDE wouldn’t know what to do with him.Chess tournaments are the most pretentious “casual” events ever.
You show up in a shirt, suit jacket, and jeans, and you’re kicked out because “jeans are too casual.” But a suit jacket isn’t casual? What kind of logic is that? It’s like they’re trying to make chess seem more important than it is. Newsflash: it’s a board game. More sophisticated than Monopoly, sure, but still just a game. At least in snooker they let you wear a bowtie and waistcoat—maybe chess needs to up its game. Or down its game. Whatever.The real reason for the dress code? Sponsors.
Let’s be cynical for a second: some sponsor probably wanted chess to look “serious” and “classy,” not like a bunch of guys in hoodies playing a game. So now we have rules about what you can wear, where you can go, and apparently, whether you can have a full bladder during a match. Because playing chess with an empty bladder is like running a marathon in roller boots—wait, what are roller boots? Oh, right, those things kids in the 70s strapped to their shoes. Point stands: it’s ridiculous.Magnus is the chess equivalent of a “Chad”—and FIDE hates it.
The guy is arguably the greatest player ever, but he’s also just… chill. Videos of him playing blitz chess in bars, drinking beer, laughing with fans. He’s not trying to be the king of the world—he’s just good at chess. And FIDE? They’re the uptight parents who show up to the party and start yelling about noise violations. It’s a classic power struggle, and we all know who the fans are rooting for.The “we can’t make an exception” argument is chess’s version of “but we’ve always done it this way.”
FIDE penalized someone else for a dress code violation, so they couldn’t possibly let Magnus slide, right? Because if they did, the entire chess world would collapse into anarchy. It’s like the time a kid got suspended for chewing his Pop-Tart into a gun shape. The rule was stupid, the enforcement was stupid, and everyone knew it. But rules are rules, even when they’re obviously dumb.At least Magnus can still wear pants.
Some grandmasters have had to deal with actual absurdity—like vibrating butt plugs that tell you what move to make (yes, that’s a real thing someone suggested). At least Magnus’s biggest problem is whether his jeans are “appropriate.” It’s a weird kind of privilege, I guess.
So here’s the thing: chess is just a game. It’s fun, it’s challenging, it’s even a little bit nerdy. But it doesn’t need a dress code, it doesn’t need bureaucratic nonsense, and it definitely doesn’t need FIDE acting like it’s the United Nations of board games. The best players know it, the streamers know it, and the fans know it. Maybe it’s time FIDE caught up. Or maybe they’ll just keep arguing about pants while the rest of the world moves on. Either way, at least we’ll have Magnus’s drunk chess videos to watch.